Approval parenting

"I like to do pageants because my mommy and daddy love me when I win."

I actually heard those words from a little girl, probably 5-6 years old. My wife is addicted to shows like "John & Kate plus 8", "Toddlers & Tiaras", "Say yes to the dress". The other day she was watching an episode of "Toddlers & Tiaras" and a cute little blonde girl made that statement, that she likes the pageants because her parents love her when she wins. I was horrified at what I heard.

If you aren't familiar with this particularly bizarre show, it follows the lives of different children and their families through an endless cycle of beauty pageants and shows. I personally find the whole thing revolting, that little girls are subjected to world of "beauty", which is really just about spray tans, perfect bodies, fake teeth, and glued on eyelashes. The idea that girls start with this mentality before age 1 is painful and gut-wrenching. The biggest thing that hurts me is that many of these girls will grow up with convoluted conceptions of what beauty and life are all about. Others grow up hearing nothing but criticism after criticism, only receiving positive feedback through achievement. Nothing is ever enough for these pageant parents. The very statement I quote above is typical of many parents in the whole pageant circuit, moms living vicariously through their children, holding them to a strict (often unattainable) standard of perfection, something that the child will strive for the rest of their life.

Whether the parents meant it or not, this young little girl perceived from her parents' attitude that their love was conditional upon her achieving some standard. How repulsive! How horrific! How common!

Unfortunately, this little girl's life isn't one that is a stand alone case or a "1 in 100,000". I myself grew up in a situation that is similar to what I just expressed. My parents love me and I know that they do, but I grew up in a home that I perceived love to be given based on my performance. I was a straight A student, involved in sports, and in band. I excelled in many areas of life, but I did a majority of that out of a need to receive approval from my dad. I love my daddy very much and I know that he loves me, but growing up I don't think he always knew how to express that love. He wasn't an overly physically affectionate person and I am. I grew up with a drive and desire to hear him say, "I'm proud of you" because I equated that with "I love you." His love, to me, was conditioned upon my achievement, which at times led me to cheat and cut corners so that I would achieve. I'm sad to say it, but I made some poor decisions in my life out of a need to be approved by my father. Things have changed and I'm not saying that he is still that way, but I perceived him in that light as a child.

How many times do we only praise our children when they do something good? Are we active and passionate about knowing that we love them no matter if they are first or last? Is our love as parents conditional upon some achievement, success, accomplishment, etc.? You may say to me, "I would never do something like! How dare you think that way!" But the truth of the matter is we all are guilty of it. We praise our children and celebrate achievements, and we should, but we should love them and encourage at all times, praising them for who they are, celebrating their life and not just their accomplishments. I'm not talking about the whole "you're always a winner in my book" idea, because life is full of competition and there are winners and losers. But our children should never perceive our love as being conditioned upon them being a winner. They should never have to question whether they are doing enough to earn a hug from mama or a kiss from daddy.

Confidence in a child is founded upon knowing that they are loved and accepted in spite of failures and short-comings. Yes we should praise them when they excel, but we should love them even more when they fail, and they will fail. They need to know that our love is constant and unchanging, not based upon action, but a permanent part of our bond as parents and children. Our love as parents is what drives them to succeed, what pushes them to their limits, what gives them confidence to take risks and face the trials of life. A child who is secure and confident in the love and affirmation of their parents isn't afraid to fall because they know that mommy and daddy will always be there for them, loving them through ups and downs. When a child has to work for our love, they have no self-confidence and are hesitant to take risks out of a fear of losing or not earning our love.

Our Heavenly Father loves us just as we are, and He affirms as much throughout the Bible. His love is unchanging and perfect and, despite popular belief, He is never disppointed with us. That may sound heretical, but disappoint means "the failure to meet the expectation or the hope of." It implies an expected result and then the shock at failure. Well, God is never shocked when we fail. He has no expectations of grandeur for our lives. He knows when we are going to fail and so He isn't shocked. He expects that we will stumble and fall, which is why He is so adamant about the unchanging, eternal nature of His grace. His love is not dependent upon our actions, our successes or failures, but is a part of His character. He IS love, perfect love. And 1 John says "there is no fear in love; instead, perfect love drives out all fear." Jeremiah 31:3 says, "I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore, I have continued to extend faithful love to you."

May we be conscious in extending faithful, unconditional love to our children, so they can grow up with the confidence that no matter what they face, be it success or failure, mommy and daddy will ALWAYS love them. May we be so extravagant and forthright with our love that they never come close to concluding that we "love them when they win."

Love them with all you have!