Servanthood: the heart of marriage

Marriage has existed since Day 6 of creation. It is a natural, hard-wired part of our psyche to desire intimacy and companionship, but through the millennia the idea of marriage has been distorted, disfigured, and destroyed. Recent studies show the following:

• 44% of 18- to 29-year-old Americans believe marriage is becoming obsolete
• In 1960, 72% of American adults were married. In 2011, 51% were married. If the trend continues, the number of married adults will be come a national minority in the next few years.
• Nearly 50% of all marriages in the US end in divorce
• Average length of marriages that end in divorce is 7 years
• 17% of all divorces in America are due to infidelity
• #1 reason women cheat is a lack of emotional connection in the marriage
• #1 reason men cheat is sex

Why post all this? To open our eyes. Marriage is increasingly becoming something that is passé, outdated, obsolete in the American mindset. Divorces have left gaping holes in our society, with children suffering the collateral damage of relational fallout. It is even to the point that marriage is becoming a phobia or plague, with younger generations viewing it as destructive to relationships to get married. There are around 5.5 million unmarried couples cohabitating in the US.

What's the cause of all this? Is it the man's fault for not connecting emotionally, working too hard, etc? Do wives need to be more sexual towards their husbands, feeding their insatiable libido? Is it the wife's fault or the husband's? To be honest: neither and both. The root of this is that marriage has evolved into a self-centered mindset, a "what should my spouse be doing for me and my needs" mentality. Our society breeds the egotistical idea that everything should be focused on me and only me, and unfortunately this attitude has taken firm root in our relationships. I would venture to say that a majority of fights in marriages revolve around unmet or perceived unmet needs. "She's never sexually available! She's always tired and has a headache! He's never around! All he wants is sex, sex, sex, like I'm some kind of robot, but where's his heart? She never lets me have me time! He never talks to me or reaches out to me! He ignores the kids." I could go on and on, but you get the point. I've even made some of those statements (much to my own chagrin). Marriage is increasingly becoming a means to individual fulfillment, mirroring the spirit of the self-centered age. Love is becoming a conditional response based on what I get in return. Selfish feelings are taking the place of commitment.

How does this change?

David Kinnaman, president of the Barna Group, says:

"As Christians, we must recommit ourselves to building others-oriented marriages that seek to serve others better—your spouse, children, church and community. Of course, it will be a struggle, so we’ll need to be people of grace and restoration, too."

We have to shift our focus back to where it should be: servant hood. It's not about how can she serve me, but how can I serve her. My focus is not inward, but outward. Paul writes this in Ephesians:

"Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord...Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her...In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself."

This is sacrificial, service-oriented love. Wives, you are to submit to your husbands as the head of your life and family, as Christ is the head of the church. Submit means coming under, recognizing, and obeying his authority as the head of your family. That's not sexist or misogynistic, but biblical. Men are the head of the family and should be honored and respected. That doesn't make him your master (we'll discuss submissive but equal another time, because husbands submit too!) nor you a slave, but it is a recognition of the biblical foundation of marriage. Husbands, you are to love your wives, not for what you get in return, but sacrificially. Christ gave Himself WITHOUT getting anything in return from us. It was decision and act based solely on His love for us. In fact, Isaiah 53 points out that Christ suffered for us yet "He did not open His mouth", i.e. didn't complain, insult, grumble, etc. 1 Peter 2:23 says the same. Try that next time your wife asks you to change a diaper, take out the trash, move your shoes, etc. We are to love our wives and families sacrificially, giving up our time and resources to invest in them, not provide for them. That means shutting off the Cardinals game, putting down the iPad, ignoring the telephone, and investing in your wife.

The only way that marriages work and survive is through hard work and service. We must change our mindset to be content meeting our spouse's needs and not worried about ours. There is no scoreboard, no tally of favors, no balance sheet. See a need, meet a need. That's how marriage works. And healthy families are built upon healthy marriages, and when momma AND daddy are happy, the kids are happy, secure, and blessed.